Prolonged background stress and constant uncertainty gradually exhaust even the strongest unions, leaving partners without emotional resources to support one another. Why does irritability grow toward those closest to us in a state of prolonged fatigue? Where can we find support, and how can we build interaction when both are depleted and unable to provide their usual warmth? Together with Treatfield psychotherapists, we look for answers regarding which micro-practices and agreements will help maintain a connection when the source of stress lies beyond the couple's control.
Due to war and prolonged background stress, many Ukranian couples find themselves in a state of chronic exhaustion, running low on resources. Why do aggression and irritability toward loved ones increase in such a state, and what actually happens between partners when they "run out of container" to support each other?
Prolonged background stress, anxiety for loved ones, financial difficulties, and the constant need to "hold it together" gradually deplete the psychological and physical resources of not only each of us individually, but also of relationships. We all found ourselves in conditions that none of us were prepared for. What was previously perceived as a trifle suddenly becomes a cause for acute conflict, and instead of mutual assistance, irritability, resentment, and a sense of loneliness appear. This does not necessarily mean that the relationship has turned bad; often it simply means that your nervous system is exhausted and unable to regulate emotions as easily as before. Schematically, it can look like a vicious circle:
I am exhausted → I need support → my partner is also exhausted → they cannot provide it → I feel lonely and disappointed → I react aggressively → my partner becomes defensive or distant → I receive even less intimacy → even more irritability.
What can help?
1. Regulate yourself first, then solve the problem.
If tension is already at an 8–9 out of 10, you don't necessarily have to work things out right this second. It is better to take a pause: go into another room, take a walk, take a few slow exhalations, drink water, stay in silence. The goal is not to avoid the conversation, but to calm down so you can discuss everything without attacks and accusations.
2. Separate your partner from your exhaustion.
Sometimes we get angry not so much at the person, but at what has long exceeded our capacity. It is helpful to ask: "If I had slept well today and had more strength, would this situation still bother me as much?"
3. Talk about your need, not about guilt.
Instead of "You don't care about me" — "I am very exhausted right now, and I need your help."
4. Agree on a minimum level of care.
During a crisis, you don't have to maintain perfect romance. Right now, love can be expressed in simple things: a cup of tea, a hug, ten minutes of conversation, helping with household chores, or saying: "I see that you're having a hard time."
The most important task for a couple during prolonged stress is not to demand the impossible from each other, but to reduce the load on both together. Today, an indicator of maturity in a relationship is moving from the grievance "Why aren't you giving me more?" to the shared question: "How can we make things even slightly easier for both of us right now?"
Remember: relationships during wartime are not about a perfect fairy-tale romance, but about mutual thoughtful care. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your marriage today is to just lie down quietly side by side.
Where can partners look for support in a relationship when both are depleted and cannot act as a resource for each other? How can interaction be built so as not to demand from the other person what they are currently simply unable to give? We often imagine close relationships as a place where we can lean on each other.
I'm having a hard time — I have my loved one who will take care of me: hug me, feed me, listen to me, support me. If it's hard for them, I will do the same.
But what happens when both are exhausted?
To come home without any strength, hoping and legitimately expecting that relief awaits me now, that everything will be fine, that I can finally exhale, recharge, and lean into another person in an identical state — is an ouch, to say the least. But most often, it turns into a rather strong disappointment, helplessness, anger, and sadness. Depending on what exactly you expected, often on both sides.
And even that classic advice to "just talk" unfortunately won't work here, most likely. When both feel terrible, trying to "sit down and talk about everything" or "cry on a shoulder" more often ends in an argument, because neither has the container at that moment to hold someone else's pain.
The point is that the need for attention, support, and tenderness arising in one person is perceived by the other in such a state not as an invitation to connect, but as a threat to destroy their last remaining strength. We have no resources to explain, negotiate, or understand.
There is a certain risk of sliding into a kind of struggle for the other person's resource.
Who is more important right now? Whose problems are more serious? Who is more tired?
Who owes whom more? And instead of connection, competition for it arises.
Or taking offense and starting to attack:
"I always listen to you and help you when you're tired."
"When are you ever going to think about me?"
"If you love me, why is it so hard for you to support me?"
But a partner is not obligated to be the sole source of support; often this becomes noticeable only during such periods.
Where can you start then?
- See reality as it is. Acknowledge that right now you both have no strength, without "he/she isn't supporting me" or "I am a bad partner because I can't provide support" — it is simply a fact of the actual state of things at this specific moment.
- Turn attention to yourself, your body, and your needs. In a relationship, we can delegate this to another person: "I feel bad — make me feel good." Right now, you won't be able to drop this task. This is the moment to feel what we need right now: quiet, bodily relaxation, food, support, a place to complain to someone, comfort, an opportunity to avoid doing a specific task, to cry to someone, or whatever else.
- Look for a place where you can at least partially satisfy these needs. Places, objects, things: a hot bath, a weighted blanket, a solo walk, a car ride, walking barefoot on the grass, cuddling with your pet, or even spending the night at a hotel where at least all domestic tasks will be completely delegated. Other people: friends who currently have the resource, a psychologist, a courier delivering food (so you don't have to cook), a massage therapist, a nanny, an esthetician, a cleaner...
And what about interacting with your exhausted partner?
This is a period for learning to be in the same room, quietly doing your own things, and focusing on your recovery. It is a permission to be nearby without "working" on the relationship at that particular moment. A kind of temporary "energy-saving" mode — refusing complex conversations, minimizing household chores, putting off major decisions until better times.
And also, since there are no resources for full empathy, it is a good time for micro-support gestures: holding hands, hugging, bringing a glass of water.
And last but not least — our good old rituals. Having breakfast together, watching an evening movie, taking a walk before bedtime creates a sense of stability and safety in the space of the couple, even when emotional resources are absent.
Yes, this is a difficult period, and going through it together can feel lonely and hard. But being in an adult relationship also involves the ability to endure imperfection. We don't have to be a source of support, inspiration, or a container 24/7. It is normal to temporarily be just two tired people under one blanket who decided not to torture each other with demands, but simply give themselves time to recover.
Which specific practical steps, household agreements, or micro-practices can help a couple maintain connection and prevent the destruction of relationships during periods of accumulating stress and exhaustion?
I would really love to write something like: "Plan one walk together per week, one joint activity, and hugs three times a day — and you'll find happiness," — but unfortunately, I can't, because everything is a bit more complicated.
Suppose we have Katia and Petia. Katia feels bad; she is exhausted. During a stressful period, she, unfortunately like any human being, starts falling back to the level of her "factory settings," meaning she regresses a little. She seemingly forgets all the wisdom she acquired throughout adult life (and perhaps through years of psychotherapy) — and becomes either closed off and silent, whiny, tearful, or aggressive.
In an ideal world, where Petia is not exhausted at that moment, he understands from the height of his wisdom that his woman simply feels bad right now and needs support — and he supports her: asks caring questions, hugs her, offers help.
But we have a situation where Petia has regressed just as much, and nothing remains of his wisdom either. He perceives Katia's stress reactions and Katia herself as part of a hostile environment. Right now, it wouldn't hurt if she understood and supported him — but she is incapable of doing so. And that's how the circle of resentment and alienation spins.
At this stage, nothing can be radically resolved, fixed, or built up, because this is not that phase. To fix and build up, you need a resource, and in our situation, neither party has it right now. Therefore, our task right now is as simple as possible — to gather resources.
When Katia and Petia recharge their psychological batteries to at least 20%, that will barely suffice for some constructive steps — for example, spending an hour a week talking about what's going on in each other's souls. Or steadfastly acknowledging that the difficult feelings of one partner are a problem for both, and both need to solve it. Or, for example, introducing some psychological tricks into practice, like Stephen Karpman's five trust contracts for couples.
But again, for this, you need to recharge at least minimally. Here is one very understandable method. Take a sheet of paper and create lists:
– Images of real people or characters that evoke warm feelings.
– Scents you like.
– Sounds you like (music, voices, just ambient sounds, etc.).
– Movements you like (swinging on a swing, walking barefoot on grass, etc.).
– Textures that are pleasant to touch.
– Texts that bring pleasure (proverbs, quotes, poems, prose, meditations, jokes, etc.).
– Favorite foods.
– Visual stimuli you like (paintings, items, landscapes, movies, theater performances, etc.).
Preferably, what goes into the lists should not evoke ambivalent feelings. Say, the scent of perfume from a first love that feels equally sweet and painful — is not what we are looking for right now. But the image of a grandfather that brings unambiguous warmth and tenderness (even if the grandfather sometimes made mistakes that have long been forgotten and forgiven) — is exactly what is needed.
This list must be physical: handwritten or printed, because memory is an unreliable thing, especially the memory of an exhausted, stressed person. And at every opportunity, we take a peek at the lists and organize something from them for ourselves. It turns out many things are available here and now, and for free, too. Holding hands under running water. Turning on a favorite song from teenage years. Sticking a hand into a feather pillow. Rubbing and smelling a walnut leaf.
Other psychologists, in situations where relying on advanced social supports is difficult, advise relying on primitive supports — ancestral and infant-like. Relatively speaking, it's everything that helps the body: walking, looking at greenery, warming up, bundling up, sleeping, eating.
If exhaustion was the only issue, then after "recharging," some energy to support the relationship should be found. But a situation is entirely possible where energy gradually returns, and it seems not everything in a row is irritating anymore, but rather it is your own partner who actually irritates you. In that case, we need not a general life resource, but a very specific resource for interacting with that particular person.
Family therapists in such cases ask partners to remember how it all started for them. Why they became interested in each other, what they fell in love with, what passion and romance looked like at the beginning of their relationship. This serves as a reminder of what we are fighting for right now when we convince ourselves to invest in this relationship.
How can couples therapy help restore connection and understanding between people when the main cause of problems is stress and exhaustion, and its source is external (war, uncertainty, safety risks), meaning it lies completely beyond the couple's control?
You sleep poorly, constantly monitor the news, worry about safety, money, work, children. You don't feel like life can be even remotely planned, because the external situation changes dynamically. And the person you love suddenly starts to irritate you — responded in a wrong tone, didn't help, didn't hug, retreated into their phone and remains silent, or wants something from you right when you no longer have strength even for yourself.
It is very easy here to jump to a conclusion: well, that's it, we've grown apart, he/she doesn't care, the relationship is no longer the same, etc.
Although sometimes the problem starts in a completely different place — not between you, but around you.
War, uncertainty, threats to life, forced changes, financial pressure, living in a constant state of readiness for something bad — all of this drains a huge amount of psychological resources.
And when strength is low, relationships are often the first to "sag." Because intimacy requires a resource.
To hear what a person is actually saying, instead of just reacting to their tone.
To ask "what's wrong with you?" instead of "oh, here we go again."
To notice your partner's fatigue when you yourself are barely holding on.
To endure someone else's emotions without taking them as a complaint against yourself or an attack.
And this is where couples therapy can be very useful, helping the couple figure out:
what is happening to us right now because of what is happening around us?
This is a very important question.
Because when two exhausted people start fighting each other, an illusion may arise that the problem lies in one another. When in fact, both of them might just be people who have been living in difficult circumstances for a very long time. And exhaustion exists alongside the need for a relationship; the value of each other remains.
Sometimes the most couples can do under conditions they cannot change is not to allow these conditions to take them away from each other and destroy their relationship.
And for this, sometimes a person is truly needed who can help two very tired people hear each other again. For example, a couples or family psychotherapist.
